💋 What Kink Gave Me
- shaquenitagipson
- Jul 18
- 2 min read
By Nita Love, Certified Sexologist
Kink gave me what the world never taught me to ask for.
It gave me silence — the kind that doesn't rush to fill space with answers, but invites breath, sensation, and presence.
It gave me rules — not the kind written by culture, but the ones I wrote for myself. The ones I negotiated in a room where “no” was sacred, “yes” was free, and “maybe” was honored with patience.
Kink gave me language. Not the sweet, rehearsed lines of romance novels or couples' therapy worksheets.
But raw words. Confessions. Questions. It taught me to say, "Here’s how I want to be touched.” “Here’s where I ache.” Here’s what I fantasize about and fear at the same time.”
Kink gave me aftercare — the kind I never knew I needed. The blanket, the eye contact, the water, the hand on my back saying, "You’re safe.” You were seen.” You’re still held.”
It gave me permission to fall apart -
Kink gave me a room where there was no performance of femininity, no pretending to be smaller to feel safe, no confusion about whether surrender was weakness.
Kinky said, surrender was strength. Control was a gift. Desire was allowed to exist without shame.
It gave me relationships that didn’t center around being “wife material, "but around being real, raw, and responsible for my own pleasure.
It freed me from the lie that connection had to look like a church wedding, two kids, and missionary sex on Fridays.
Instead, it gave me intimacy with curiosity.
It gave me love with liberation.
It gave me the courage to say — not only to a partner, but to myself —
I want this.
I need this.
I am not broken for desiring this.
Kink gave me back pieces of myself I had tucked away for safekeeping.
And whispered, “You don’t have to hide anymore.”
Sexologist TAKEAWAY
As a certified sexologist, I’ve seen how the kink lifestyle becomes a doorway to healing for so many. It creates space for people to safely explore parts of themselves they’ve buried under shame, trauma, or silence. Whether it's reclaiming desire, rebuilding trust, or discovering new forms of intimacy, kink offers more than pleasure — it offers permission. Permission to feel, to ask, to choose, and to connect on your own terms.
Watch a Kink Affirming YouTube video by - Tshegofatso Senne, she writes and speaks on issues concerning feminism, sexual and reproductive health and pleasure, consent, rape culture, race, intersectional social justice and pop culture. This talk was given at a TEDx event.
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